HOW DO YOU DO IT?

How do people do it? That curve of a smile

That hearty laughter that makes their potties and bellies dance

That confident stride with heads held high

The firm grip that holds a limp hand in a handshake and it lives

How do you do it?

How come you are so strong? Don’t you feel like a cookie placed in hot milk, crumbling, then inside an unfamiliar dark slippery hole, sharp things cutting through your heart, being munched and turned and turned and dropped into an acidic pit? Like someone enjoys this process, except you, the cookie?

Look at your friends. They are smiling, happy, even content. You spoke all the time- Facebook, skype, Twitter, texts. Now it’s weeks, months. Silence. You are happy for them, aren’t you? Their success is your success. Niiice! How do you cheer a game from the stands, a game you are dressed and trained for but somehow can’t even make it to the bench? Ai? How do you do it? Mi sijui, siwezi.

How do you smile and cry at the same time? Two opposite emotions; and when people ask, you say ‘There is a storm, yes…but there is also a rainbow, see?’ How many colours are left in your rainbow? Are they still seven, eight? Does your rainbow ever go away? Fade? What do you do then?

And who doesn’t know you are a prayer warrior? The way you quote and interpret those verses… the Bible. Wow! Does God ever let you down, make you wait and you feel like punishing him by not being this faithful? Does He?

There are tears, stinging, hot, and threatening to flood out of your eyes. They are all laughing, you should be too. Your head is bent. Everyone is distracted, no one notices. When you look up, no trace, no cloud, no red canvas in place of the white one. Nothing. You start laughing, you laugh till tears flow. They all assume they are tears of joy. Are they? No? Tell me.

Aaaaargh! I ask too many questions. I know. I have more, I don’t know how to ask, or maybe am just afraid to. Sorry. But you are my hero today. Find me. Tell me how you do all this, and more. I want to see her happy and not be jealous.  I want your rainbow…with all the colours. Oh, and do you still have some, a pinch even, of faith, hope left?

Time, I don’t think I have much time, but please…

How do you do it?

AM I WORTH THE SACRIFICE?

Easter is a very sobering season for Christians. It is that time we remember, at least on official calendar, the ultimate sacrifice ever. The price Jesus Christ and indeed God, had to pay to ensure that the rift between God and man is closed, that sins are forgiven and a promise of eternal life confirmed; the power of the cross. Most of us never went through Sunday school without memorizing John 3:16, the season’s theme verse,  and I bet that is the one memory verse from childhood that has stuck and stood the test of ‘Mills and Boons’, ‘Pacesetters’, ‘Shakespeare’ and all other literature that we had to read as we grew up.

I sat down today and tried dissecting this verse word for word. For this, I will risk sounding like a broken record. ‘For God so loved the world…’ How can one love the WHOLE world? How does one even do that, realistically? I am reminded of the debates that usually go around on what love is, on whether or not it exists and all that. We live in a generation to which love has lost meaning, so much so that we are in all these different types of relationships for convenience. A friend with benefits, ‘I want a kid so I will get married’ and the list goes on and on. Speaking of marriage, I remember watching a soap opera in which a woman had to get married and live with her husband for a year before her older brother could give her her inheritance. These were the strict conditions as stipulated in their father’s will. I guess this would prove that she had come off age and was therefore responsible. Well, she did get married but not out of love.

Anyway, walk with me, I do get distracted sometimes. The point am trying to drive home is that loving is not easy. It does not come automatically, it grows from comfort to like to love (you can insert other stages you have gone through). You learn to accept someone’s shortcomings and live with them, because at times, they make up a permanent component of what you are unconditionally taking on, loving; and at times we find it impossible to love someone, owing to their character and other factors.  So for God to take on loving the whole world, accepting us as we are, and not seeing it as a burden is mind blowing, at least to me. I can’t begin to imagine the amount of patience it would take.

‘…that He gave His only begotten son…’ Maybe you don’t have a son, but take that one material possession that you think you can’t live without. Your phone, I pad, laptop, car, anything! That one thing that you can’t lend out because you trust no one with it. You feel you are saying goodbye to it forever, and that no one can take care of it like you do. You will agree with me that when you ultimately find that one person you can trust (whole-heatedly, no heart attacks waiting to happen), with your something, someone worth risking losing it to death, it will be someone you love; someone worth the sacrifice. To any mother or father, it doesn’t matter how many children you’ve got, losing one shatters you. How come God overlooked (or did He?) the immense love He had for Christ, his only son, for billions of other people whom He really (maybe) wasn’t obliged to love, to sacrifice that one thing He was sure of? So much so that when His son cried out on the cross, in pain, ‘Father, why have you forsaken me?’ He seemingly did nothing to relieve Jesus of the pain and the mockery he was experiencing at that moment? Who are these billions of people who made this sacrifice worth that anguishing moment?

‘…that whosoever believes in Him…’ Believe? Believe what? That He loves us so? That He has our best interests at heart? That He will never forsake us? That He is the same now and will never change, ever? That His promises are Yea and Amen? That even though we sin, His mercies endure forever? That His grace is sufficient even in the toughest of times? That He knows pain and will never let us go through it alone? Does this belief also demand that we renounce all the He says are more than His ‘pet peeves’? I do know that it demands us to love what He loves and hate what He hates. How hard can this be?

‘…shall not perish, but have eternal life.’ Death is one of the most feared things on earth. It could be the pain that is associated with death, or the uncertainty that lies in the afterlife, but no one would confidently say they are ready for death. Well, most people I have met wouldn’t. But then, here is a promise of eternal life, albeit conditional, but a promise nonetheless. This eternal life is described so beautifully in the Bible, and in my Sunday school Bible story books the illustrations were magical, so beautiful, you would wish to skip this life and move on to the afterlife.

I looked at this verse, dissected it, as a normal human being, detaching myself from being too spiritual about it. If indeed logically it still invokes this sense of wonder, how much more in spirit; and I do know of men who can really analyze this verse in spirit and make you see just what it meant for God to love and sacrifice. Is God asking too much? Is this package not attractive enough for us?

I am humbled by how this verse has led me into a deeper intimate relationship with God. That I can call Him daddy, read His love letters to me and pray whenever, wherever and He hears. Even so, I still get those times, times I like to call droughts, when I don’t talk to Him as I should, I don’t give Him respect and reverence as he deserves, and I do the things He hates. Times I ‘play’ Him with things He Himself created. Sometimes I do them unconsciously but other times I do them knowingly, seeing that He always forgives and takes us back and picks us up when we stumble. I use Him :-(

I want to get to a point where I am so enjoined with God, that these things I sometimes compromise my status with Him for, will not look so lucrative. That my longing will be for Him, to hunger and thirst for things that He loves, to represent Him and His glory wherever I go. That people see the God in me before they see the ‘me in God’.

So I take my place at His feet, unworthy, but willing, more than ever to partake of His goodness. I wanna be worth that sacrifice at Calvary.

Phewks!!I didn't know it would take this long but thanks for reading through :-)I hope it made sense.

   

Happy Easter and cheers to a new beginning everyone!!

PURPOSE PEEK

Happy new month everyone!! 

Oh, wait, should I be saying happy new year? Just realised I haven't been here in a while. I really miss blogging, sigh!!! We get so busy sometimes doing nothing and everything, we forget the simple things that make us happy, keep us sane and at peace. Well, onwards forward. I start my redeeming posts today.

So where was I? Oh yeah, happy new month! Two months down already? that fast? This year has an agenda, hehe. Only, am not sure what it is, at least towards my life. March is my birthday month. I would tell you how young I will be turning on the 21st but, hey! Didn't one  Orie Rogo Manduli tell you that a real lady doesn't tell her age? So yeah, am gonna leave you guessing. To say the truth,  I have mixed feelings about this new year am gonna start. Who am I? Where am I? What am I doing with my life?  Am I happy? Content? Have I done everything I dreamed I would by the time I was this age? Am I even halfway? Am I living up to my full potential? I have a lot of questions and only I can answer most of them.

I can bet, am not alone on this; The questions. The questions you ask yourself as you look at everyone else and compare their lives to yours. The questions you ask yourself when people ask you questions about yourself and you don't have an answer for them. These questions, especially when you realise you aint the youngest in the bunch anymore. Do I have a witness? I see your hands, thank you very much, God bless you! The saddest thing, though, is that most of us, can't answer these questions. Not because we don't know the answers or that we can't express them. No, far from that. Well, sometimes, we really don't know the answers but that is sometimes. I think it  is mainly because we are scared, afraid. Scared to be honest with ourselves, scared that people will judge us because we are not where they think we should be, we are scared to disappoint. 

That begs the question, whom are you living for? Whose approval do you seek in the morning or at the end of that day? Who determines how successful you are and how successful can you get to be considered as the top creme, important?

Here's what I think, and what am teaching ma spirit and self to understand. You are created for a specific purpose, unique and different from everyone else. Have you discovered what it is? God does not make mistakes. Look deep within and speak to your maker. Discover your purpose. Once you have that in check, what you do and at what time will be geared towards fulfilling that purpose. Then, you only answer to God and you. Other people may give you important input and ideas and opinions, but don't let people make the decisions for you. You are you, unique and on a special assignment. You are on a timeline, thats all you need to know.

So stop looking at the rest, they are running their race. Its not about who will finish first, its about who will finish, period! 

By the way, did I mention my new love? This love is different, in a way I can't explain, but am sure we are meant to be. It is for better or worse, till MY death do us part. No, its not a man, or a woman for that matter; its a love for elephants. Yes, elephants! They are such wonderful creatures! Anyway, thats a story for another day. 

If you have the time, please read these Bible passages;  Psalms 139:13-16,  Jeremiah 29:11 and  2 Timothy 2:7. Amazing encouragement when you feel you have lost it! Otherwise, have a purpose-filled month and lets exchange notes soonest!

Chao!

PS: As Kenya goes to the ballot on the 4th, just 2 days away, please vote peacefully. If anything this is the time you'll prove your love for Kenya. Maintain love, peace and Unity throughout. Remember, wewe ni MWENYE NCHI, sio MWANANCHI tu! You are accountable!!!

Miss Tee.