HOW DO YOU DO IT?

How do people do it? That curve of a smile

That hearty laughter that makes their potties and bellies dance

That confident stride with heads held high

The firm grip that holds a limp hand in a handshake and it lives

How do you do it?

How come you are so strong? Don’t you feel like a cookie placed in hot milk, crumbling, then inside an unfamiliar dark slippery hole, sharp things cutting through your heart, being munched and turned and turned and dropped into an acidic pit? Like someone enjoys this process, except you, the cookie?

Look at your friends. They are smiling, happy, even content. You spoke all the time- Facebook, skype, Twitter, texts. Now it’s weeks, months. Silence. You are happy for them, aren’t you? Their success is your success. Niiice! How do you cheer a game from the stands, a game you are dressed and trained for but somehow can’t even make it to the bench? Ai? How do you do it? Mi sijui, siwezi.

How do you smile and cry at the same time? Two opposite emotions; and when people ask, you say ‘There is a storm, yes…but there is also a rainbow, see?’ How many colours are left in your rainbow? Are they still seven, eight? Does your rainbow ever go away? Fade? What do you do then?

And who doesn’t know you are a prayer warrior? The way you quote and interpret those verses… the Bible. Wow! Does God ever let you down, make you wait and you feel like punishing him by not being this faithful? Does He?

There are tears, stinging, hot, and threatening to flood out of your eyes. They are all laughing, you should be too. Your head is bent. Everyone is distracted, no one notices. When you look up, no trace, no cloud, no red canvas in place of the white one. Nothing. You start laughing, you laugh till tears flow. They all assume they are tears of joy. Are they? No? Tell me.

Aaaaargh! I ask too many questions. I know. I have more, I don’t know how to ask, or maybe am just afraid to. Sorry. But you are my hero today. Find me. Tell me how you do all this, and more. I want to see her happy and not be jealous.  I want your rainbow…with all the colours. Oh, and do you still have some, a pinch even, of faith, hope left?

Time, I don’t think I have much time, but please…

How do you do it?